Spanish Fly

        A spanish fly could either refer to a cocktail or liquid drops meant to be added to a beverage to get the consumer to feel a little more amorous. Either way you take your on-the-path-to-date-rapey artificial horniness enhancers, there are some things you should know. A) they are named after a real life insect, B) the insect is known for causing men to get erections, and C) the erections are not pleasant and a spanish fly of any sort isn’t likely to have any real effects on women. 

“Non-pleasant erections?!” you say? “I don’t believe such nonsense!”. Spanish fly usually refers to an acid-like chemical called cantharidin that is found in several members of the blister beetle family (Spanish Fly is a beetle. Not a fly. I don’t know who names these things.) 

Dangit I should’ve said “spoiler alert”! Now I practically gave away the fact that the cantharidin found in these beetles causes blisters. Oh well. I can still ruin erections for everyone! If you manage to ingest this chemical you could fall victim to burning, inflamed urinary tract that can cause the whole penis to become erect. It’s no surprise considering that cantharidin has been used to remove warts and tattoos. This stuff means business. 

So if you happen to see an attractive, metallic green beetle wandering around DO NOT rub it on your junk. DO NOT grind it up and sprinkle it in your girlfriend’s drink. AND DO NOT stash it in your frenemy’s underwear drawer for a good laugh (wink wink). Seriously though - don’t. Too much cantharidin is fatal. It scores a .5 on the LD50 scale. 

The LD50 scale is used to score toxins by exactly how much it takes to be a “Lethal Dose” in “50%” of lab mice. it is measured in milligrams per Kilogram - as in how many milligrams it takes to kill a Kilogram of living thing. So a score of .5 means that about 10mg can kill an average adult. 

Okay - so it wouldn’t be that easy to get 10mg inside you by accident. But still - you don’t want a pain in your peehole. So just remember: Spanish Fly will not lead to a fun evening

What is Lurking in Your Christmas Tree?

Christmas trees were first chopped down in 18th century Germany only to pop back up in a festive living room decorated with apples, candy, and pastries just in time for the annual christmas celebration. Eventually candles were added to the mix to help illuminate the jolliness of the atmosphere. Glass baubles were blown, tinsel was strung, and with the advent of electricity, thousands of twinkling christmas lights were added as well. But something may be lurking in your tree that could dampen your yuletide feelings. Your tree could be crawling with insects and more!

Picture yourself shuffling past the tree one morning in your robe and slippers, coffee in hand, when you notice a strange little insect on the brim of your mug. Then one on your sleeve, one on the chair - you realize there are hundred of them everywhere! That’s because while you were hanging your stockings with care a female praying mantis was doing the same thing with her egg sac. In your tree. These unusual little insects are designed to ride out the cold winter on a tree limb. But when you bring that tree into a warm house you trick the eggs into thinking spring has come early and it’s time to emerge. 

Has your tree ever flocked itself? I admit, I had to look up what “flocking” meant in terms of Christmas trees. Flocking is when you spray weird artificial snow on your tree with an aerosol can. If your tree seems to be a self-flocker you probably have adelgids in your home. Adelgids are aphid-like creatures that suck tree juices and secrete a white cottony wax substance. You may also even see some true aphids that occur in huge numbers and resemble small spiders or mites. Not to fear, both of these little plant dwellers are specific to your tree and generally won’t leave, even if you have nearby houseplants.

Of course everyone’s biggest fear when bringing something from the outdoors inside is the looming threat of a stowaway spider. Christmas trees are no different as they provide a banquet of insects. Besides adult spiders, their egg sacs also overwinter on tree limbs. After hatching, a new population of young spiderlings have their choice of small insects to eat because the tree may also contain tiny insects known as scales, mites, and barklice. Also there’s also the liklihood that the spiders will branch out into your home, where they may not be dangerous to people, but can leave webs all over your floor, walls, and ceiling until springtime when they venture back outside. If they venture back outside.

It’s the nature of the world we live in that we will always be surrounded by insects and spiders. But you can do your best to not set off a pine-scented bomb of bugs in your living room. Before bringing a live tree indoors inspect it carefully and shake it within an inch of its life to get rid of any spiders, beetles, etc. Under no circumstances should you bring your tree into your living room and spray it with pesticides. Even if you find some insecticide that smells like candy cane and gingerbread - pesticides are flammable and if there’s one thing you don’t want to do it’s take a dying conifer, covered in electrical cords and blinking lights, and douse it with fuel. If you really want to be sure your home is insect-free you can always spare the live tree and buy a life-like artificial tree. Barklice don’t live on PVC twigs, afterall.